Today is Father’s Day so I took Papa Lu to dinner at a nice restaurant. Like most parents, he likes to ask his children how our dating lives are going, because we all enjoy answering those questions so so much. I shrugged and joked sarcastically “Well, no one wants to marry me yet, so nothing worthy of note.”
My dad responded with “Maybe you should start listing that on your online dating profiles. Write in ‘I only date to get married.’” My eyebrows went up to the level of are-you-for-real, and immediately saw that yes, he was dead serious.
“…Um no! I’m only 25, Dad. I’ll maybe consider doing that on eHarmony when I’m 35. Or I’ll try being a cougar.” I didn’t even have time to attempt to explain why that will send most 20-something men running in the other direction before my dad started launching into how I could work on different techniques. True to Lu fashion, he had to use analogies.
“There are lots of things you can learn from nature. Female lions usually are the ones who hunt for food, not males. They go in packs. They stalk and observe other animals for hours to see which ones are the best target- the old or the injured ones. And then the lionesses would spilt up and attack the prey from both sides so there’s no escape.” Hmm okay. So I should get some of my girl friends and go pick up guys who are easy by cornering them? Great tips, bro.
He continued as I zoned out. Come on, Dad! The hunter and the prey thing is so cliché. Tell me something new.
“…Or there are other examples, like carnivorous plants. ” My ears immediately perked up. Oh someone stepped up his game.
“Look at the Venus flytrap. It attracts insects with its nectar. But does it strike when the bug is on its edge? No, that will give the fly time to flee. Instead, it waits and lures the prey into the center, and that’s when it goes for the kill.” He gestured with his hands for simulation.
My first reaction was wow, my dad just compared dating to snaring unsuspecting victims with baits?! Ladies, trick a man into falling in love with you so much that he’s in too deep to leave you. That’s how you snatch yourself a man, duh. Or you can set up contraptions in your house to catch those hot dudes who tend to wander in from smelling those freshly baked cookies you just made. And then you just squeeze the living daylight out of him to make him forever yours! One of those.
Then something else hit me: Wouldn’t most fathers choose to compare their daughters to FLOWERS if they had to pick a plant for simile?!
Upon some reflections, I realized that actually my dad just knows me really well. He knows I wouldn’t want to be something pretty yet fragile and useless, just waiting there to be picked up passively. Carnivorous plants are rare, too. They’re quite unique and special. And if I really want to stretch it far, Venus flytraps are named after a Greek goddess because they definitely look like lady parts. Seriously, they’re like the unsubtle rachet version of the flowers painted by Georgia O’Keefe. Feminism FTW.
(The dramatic music with commentary in British accent are so key.)
Awesome. Now if anyone ever ask me what’s my spirit plant, I know exactly what to say.
I am a mutherphucking Venus Flytrap,