6:25 pm: Wow ok it felt like I just hit a brick wall made of hot air when I opened the door and walked in. I can do this! #healthy
6:27 pm: Goddammit why is every available free spot still DAMP with the sweat from the previous person? Gross! Will try to be early from now on! #hot
6:35 pm: So glad to do the Half Moon Pose! I’ve done this 1000+ times before #NBD Ooh look at that drop of sweat gliding down that @HotGuyInFront’s spine
6:38 pm: Um the Awkward Pose is SO awkward. It looks like we’re being forced to hold over a toilet ugh my thighs are burning too
6:41 pm: I feel you, bro! RT@FellowNewbie: God what did I get myself into!? #BikramYoga
6:44 pm: …the Eagle Pose looks nothing like an eagle unless an eagle really needs to go to the bathroom but can’t and is vogueing at the same time
6:47 pm: What is this pose called? The Ashamed Flamingo?! Why so many birds, you guys?!
6:50 pm: Oh wow I didn’t know that my knees have the ability to sweat until today. #Interesting
6:54 pm: Ok back to something I know: The Dancer Pose. Uh oh I can feel my foot sliding around the mat from my perspiration.
6:57 pm: mofo I got sweat in my eyes! OWWW AND CAN’T SEE I lost my balance
7:00 pm: Okay, you’re not a better person than me just because you held your Balancing Stick Pose longer. #subtweeting
7:03 pm: What kind of BULLSHIT trees grow from being taller to shorter? Huh, tell me! This Tree Pose will kill me if I go down on my toes!
7:07 pm: Oh PRAISE SWEET BABY JESUS we get to lie down now #ThankYou
7:11 pm: Why can’t we just stay lying down and do some nice stretches? This Locust Pose is going to shatter my wrist bones or something!
7:15 pm: Why are we lying down for a hot second and then getting up repeatedly? #Tease #Torture
7:19 pm: I hate this. I feel like a dog being told to play dead repeatedly and I ain’t getting no treats. #NotCool
7:25 pm: Um you want me to bend my legs at the knees AND lean back on my elbows? I look and feel like a broken doll.
7:35 pm: ohhh boiii im beginna to feel dizzzy n want to throw up, i dunno whats happenin ###savemeh
7:45 pm: Not gonna lie, this rapid breathing thing while flexing my abs is making me really hungry.
7:55 pm: SO GLAD for savasana time! <33333 Oh no ew my towel is really damp and sticky. Nope can’t do it. I’m outta here baiiii.
My qualifications: So I tried Bikram yoga for the very first time about 6 years ago. It was so horrifying despite my doing “regular” yoga for many years beforehand that I didn’t return to it until earlier this year. I was a born-again virgin by this point. A neighborhood studio was doing an online deal, so I went solo 10 times in 2 months.
What it is: A very strict set of 26 yoga poses done in a really hot humid setting designed and patented by a man who may or may not be a complete greedy asshole. The class is rigid in that you do the same poses on both the left and right sides every single time.
What you’ll actually be doing: Sweating A LOT doing easy to medium yoga poses while trying not to faint or slip on your own goddamn sweat
What the instructors are like and what they’re likely to say or do: So I used to think the bikram yoga instructors are very militant since they bark commands at you, but I’ve realized it’s because your brain does not function well in high heat, so the yelling at you is very necessary in order for you to process what’s going on. With that said, some other yoga instructors have warned me about the danger of overstretching in bikram.
What your classmates will most likely be like: All ages (although no one so old that they might have a heart attack) and all different kinds of fitness levels and various body types. You definitely really start to appreciate the diverse beauty that is the human body from doing bikram yoga, and your own, too. I don’t know about you, but I rarely stare at my own reflection for 90 minutes in the mirror while wearing the skimpiest outfit.
Suggested attire: As little clothing as possible but definitely the kind that can move and stretch with your movement also FOR GODDESS’ SAKE BRING TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS
What you will feel like right afterwards: Like you just sweated off your toxins and like 3 lbs of water weight. Definitely drink liquids with electrolytes like sports drinks or coconut water or make your own by diluting any kind of juice and add some salt to it (I learned that trick in this book.) I made the mistake of drinking just regular water at first and felt like complete crap afterwards.
What you might feel like the next day: Really sore and really fricking thirsty all day
Overall, bikram yoga isn’t for me. 90 minutes is a loooooong time. And even though I grew up in a hot and humid place, I still don’t enjoy sweating that much let along touching surfaces that I know for sure a lot of people have sweated on. But if it works for you, more power to ya.