The Opposite of “Meet-Cute”: Didn’t-Meet-WTH?

There's really no good photo for this post.

There’s really no good photo for this post.

Unless you are one of those rare people don’t watch movies or TV shows ever AND do not have any friends in relationships, you most likely know what a “meet-cute” is. It’s a strange/entertaining/coincidental scenario where two people meet each other for the first time and fall in love later.

You know, when you ask a couple how they met and they say “Oh, it’s actually a really fun/cute/funny story…” Let’s be honest here, most of the time the story ain’t that cute, but I do know a really good one.

“Talking to Strangers on Public Transit Late At Night Is A Great Idea!”: My coworker was taking the bus late at night and this dude was standing on his skateboard on the moving vehicle while holding onto the rail. She told him to be careful, and they started talking. He invited her to go “see the best band in San Francisco” right then, and she went with him. No, she didn’t get murdered or robbed that night, and he actually chose the exact same bus route to propose to her on years later. Awwww! (But seriously, usually it is not a good idea to go somewhere alone with someone you barely know at wee hours of the night, kids!)

I’m a sucker for well-written romantic comedies, so I’m that person who patiently listens and smiles at the right spots as boyfriends and girlfriends finish each other’s sentences and tell me all about the circumstances that had to line up for them to lay eyes on each other for that first destined moment. I ask almost every time, and I usually don’t regret it.

But meet-cute does not happen to me. Instead I get the opposite. Let me explain.

So I’ve been single and going on dates for a while now, and many of my lovely friends have tried to set me up with their coworkers, their friends, or their acquaintances, which I really appreciate. I have gone out with plenty of these guys (Thanks again! *Thumbs up*). However, there are also instances where the universe lines up the stars just to prevent me from ever meeting someone who was supposed to be oh-so-perfect for me. I call this the “Didn’t-Meet-WTH.”

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If Beyoncé Emotes Situations in My Life (an Animated GIFs Post)

I love, adore, admire and respect Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter, and if you don’t like her, you should just get the hell out of here because I don’t have anything else to say to you. BAIIIIII.

I get to go to the Mrs. Carter concert in just a few days! I am a very secular (yet spiritual) person so this will most likely be the closest thing to religious worship I’ll ever do. Words cannot describe how much I appreciate this woman, so I thought I will let animated gifs do it.

In honor of Queen Bey, I decided to compile a list of my favorite animated gifs of her and match them with every day situations, because on various circumstances, I’ve often wondered What Would Beyonce Do? Oh right, she would deal with grace, sass, and confidence, so I should too. Enjoy.

(I found all these images from http://fuckyeahbeyonceknowles.tumblr.com and http://beyoncegifs.tumblr.com and BuzzFeed)

First and foremost:

When I heard that DOMA and Prop 8 are struck down:

About mothaphucking time, y’all!

And then we celebrated this Pride weekend like:

Hai oh haiiiiii

At da club

When it’s super hot and I try to sexily and subtly wipe my sweat:

When a group of creepers are closing in on us:

Dancing violently and big will let them know what’s up.

When I’m dancing on the stage and I spot someone cute in the crowd:

When someone challenges me to a dance-off:

Boy, I don’t think you know what you just got yourself into.

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Pt 3: Strange Advice My Dad Gave Me On Very Important Things In Life

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Today is Father’s Day so I took Papa Lu to dinner at a nice restaurant. Like most parents, he likes to ask his children how our dating lives are going, because we all enjoy answering those questions so so much. I shrugged and joked sarcastically “Well, no one wants to marry me yet, so nothing worthy of note.”

My dad responded with “Maybe you should start listing that on your online dating profiles. Write in ‘I only date to get married.’” My eyebrows went up to the level of are-you-for-real, and immediately saw that yes, he was dead serious.

“…Um no! I’m only 25, Dad. I’ll maybe consider doing that on eHarmony when I’m 35. Or I’ll try being a cougar.” I didn’t even have time to attempt to explain why that will send most 20-something men running in the other direction before my dad started launching into how I could work on different techniques. True to Lu fashion, he had to use analogies.

“There are lots of things you can learn from nature. Female lions usually are the ones who hunt for food, not males. They go in packs. They stalk and observe other animals for hours to see which ones are the best target- the old or the injured ones. And then the lionesses would spilt up and attack the prey from both sides so there’s no escape.” Hmm okay. So I should get some of my girl friends and go pick up guys who are easy by cornering them? Great tips, bro.

He continued as I zoned out. Come on, Dad! The hunter and the prey thing is so cliché. Tell me something new.

“…Or there are other examples, like carnivorous plants. ” My ears immediately perked up. Oh someone stepped up his game.

“Look at the Venus flytrap. It attracts insects with its nectar. But does it strike when the bug is on its edge? No, that will give the fly time to flee. Instead, it waits and lures the prey into the center, and that’s when it goes for the kill.” He gestured with his hands for simulation.

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Unique Spotify Playlists, Part 1

I always made playlists based on mood and feelings instead of genres. Recently I created a few and tweeted out the links or put them as my IM status. People seem to like it (I see you listening to my lists on the side feed of Spotify, friend who doesn’t subscribe), so I thought I would share.

Romantic songs sung by men that respect women

I went to a themed party a few weeks back and DJ Rufio played “Let’s Get Married” by Jagged Edge, and I realized that very few male artists sing about monogamy or commitment in this decade. Oh, there are PLENTY of songs by men dedicated to their lovers or ladies, but they also usually are along the lines of “You’re so hot and I get to have sex with you yay! And now I’m going to describe your body in details!” Please let me know if I miss anything because this is pretty sad.

“Quarterlife Crisis” playlist

There is a a plethora of how you may feel during a quarterlife crisis. Sometimes you’re like “F.U. I don’t need nobody because I’m better than ALL Y’ALL!,” other times you’re quietly sobbing on the inside because you feel so alone and powerless. And when things are going well you want to yell out “I feel infinite and invincible!” then it goes downhill from there and you feel paralyzed by panic and overwhelmed by the choices you have to make…Yep, I’ve included songs that fit all those moods.

SEDUCTRESS

Seductress is named as such because all the songs are sung by women and because this is music that will make you want to give a lap dance or strip tease to someone. Some of these are from my past pole dance classes so you know they’re legit.

“I’m hungover but I need to get work done” playlist

This is self-explanatory, but I made this on a Friday morning after I went out on a Grouper date on Thursday night. Nothing too loud or intense that will make you feel any worse. Big shout out to Amber who suggested the Garden State soundtrack and Death Cab for Cutie songs.

Songs Fun to Scream-Sing To

Some songs are great for singing precisely and delicately, while some are meant to be SHOUTED AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS while you’re jumping and down.

Overtly Sexual Swag

I already posted this when I wrote about the Top Four Types of Sexual References in Hip Hop, Rap, and R&B last year, but I actually make additions frequently.

BONUS: Bad Bitch Mix

My fellow sophstirachet friend Pauline made this, and now I fantasize that one day Trina, Lil’ kim, Nicki Minaj will have a bad bitch concert together.

Stay tuned for other weird playlists my state of mind creates.

Chin

15 Short and Awesome Female Celebrities

So… I am 5 feet and 2.5 inches tall. That is below the average American woman’s height of 5 feet and 4.5 inches. Very often I wave at tall acquaintances on the street and they don’t see me at all because I’m simply not in their field of vision. Without high heels I sometimes feel like I’m invisible or that people don’t take me as seriously.

Which is why I’ve gathered a list of amazing kickass women who are under the average American female height as well based on legitimate resources such as IMDB and their official websites. Here you go in descending order, famous women 5’3″ or under whom I admire and respect:

Natalie Portman, 5’3″ or 160 cm

Natalie Portman

Love me a lady who can pull off a hardcore rap right before she dances classical ballet.

Robyn, 5’3″ or 160 cm

jkd

Her unique fashion style. The fact that she can dance alone in an empty warehouse and make it look effortless.

Nicki Minaj, 5’2″ or 157 cm

Nicki Minaj

Whether you love her or hate her (I dressed up as her last Halloween so I think you know where I stand on this one), you don’t forget Nicki, and you do not disrespect her.

Shakira, 5’2″ or 157 cm

Shakira

Who cares how tall you are if your hips don’t lie? Oh and she’s an UNICEF ambassador, NBD.

Amy Poehler, 5’2″ or 157 cm

Every time I watch a new "Ask Amy" video, the series where she answers little girls' questions, it's hard for me not to tear up.

She makes me laugh so hard that I cry sometimes. Also every time I watch a new “Ask Amy” video, the series where she answers little girls’ questions with so much wisdom, it’s hard for me not to tear up…Yeah I cry easily.

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Whoa, I’m like, a totally legit writer now

YOU GUYS! My writing is up on the pretty darn popular Bay Area site The Bold Italic! This is my first piece of writing that’s published somewhere besides here and our company blog, so I am super giddy about it.

*awkward wave* Hi everyone whom I've ever lived with or near. We're still cool, right?

*awkward wave* Hi everyone whom I’ve ever lived with or near…We’re still cool, right?

Yes, I am also amused that you can now search for the phrase “Chin Lu sex” online and locate me very easily. Would I regret this association when I grow wrinkly and my hair turns grey? Nah, most likely not. This will make me a cool old lady actually, so what’s up.

Much love,

Chin

Almost Entirely Real Diary Entry #1: Single Asian Girl at a Jewish Deli

This post contains 90% truth.

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I love my optometrist Dr. Tran. She got her degree at my alma mater, and she’s funny with family-friendly humor, in an Ellen Degenres kind of way. I went in her office this morning, and actually tried to sit in HER chair instead of the throne-like station with all the contraptions obviously meant for the patient.

“Oh wait, I’m sorry. I’m not completely awake yet. I just woke up like 30 minutes ago.”

“You got to sleep in? Isn’t that nice!” She’s a doctor who has two children. Pretty sure sleeping until 10:30 am is never in her agenda. I suddenly feel lazy and unaccomplished.

Directing one of those tiny intense lights on my eyeball, Dr. Tran asked “Hmm you have some deposit on your left contact. Did you forget to clean it properly last night?”

I laughed. “Most likely. I was drunk when I got home last night.” Dr. Tran stopped what she was doing and gave me a mischievous look.

“Oh.” She said very slowly, clearly fascinated by this TMI. “Where did you go out?”

“Um….Elbo Room.”

That’s a lie. My friends went on to Elbo Room after going to a CNET TV party while I went home early. But does Dr. Tran really need to know that I got drunk from the free drinks offered at an industry event? Should I explain to someone who has given births that I had too many cocktails because I somehow ended up surrounded by three chicks who were all talking about their boyfriends at the party? And that the second I started to think getting slapped in the face would be a better alternative than listen to that conversation was when I realized I should just go home?

Nah.

The annual exam lasted longer than I expected so I was unable to make it on time to my first dance class. On Saturdays I like to hone my swag in hip hop in case an occasion for me to perform as a Justin Bieber-esque drag king ever arises, and then pretend that I am even half as sexy as Shakira in belly dance.

It’s unusually sunny for this city today, and I am already in Outer Mission. With 1.5 hour to kill before I dance barefoot with incredible ladies whose hips don’t quit, I decided to cross Wise Sons Jewish Delicatessen off my list of places to eat.

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Strange Advice My Dad Gave Me On Very Important Things In Life

ON BREAKUPS

Upon noticing my depressed state shortly after my first real break up ever, my father said to me over a meal:

“The way I see it is this: It’s like you had a favorite mug. You used it and carried it with you all the time. One day it broke. What are you going to do? Are you going to hold onto the pieces? Are you going to cry about how it shattered? No, you go out there and find another f***ing mug to buy.”

Ooh boy just got objectified!

(Okay my dad didn’t really curse, but that would have been epic.)

ON AGING

One time when my dad came over to visit, my housemates and I were recounting how a female guest was so into our male resident that she knocked on his door at wee hours the night before. My dad laughed and exclaimed:

“Oh I was also handsome when young! I was so popular in school because I was charming and smart. Actually a girl literally kicked down my dorm room’s door once- that’s how much she liked me. But you see, now you’re young and good-looking, but when you’re old…*motions to balding head*…It’s all gone. I am still really funny though. And sharp.”

This is a picture of my dad when he was young. So fly with the aviators and curly hair.

Tru dat.

ON EXES

My second ex-boyfriend kept trying to be friends with me after we broke things off. I made polite attempts but he complained about my minimum correspondence.

Once I happened to receive a text message from said ex when I was hanging out with my dad. I let out a grunt so exasperated that Papa Lu demanded an explanation. I briefed him and this is what he responded with:

“Okay, it’s like this: You went to the supermarket and grabbed a big piece of chicken. You paid for it at the register. Now you’ve come home with it. Should you cut it in pieces? And how many pieces? Then, how should you cook it, hmm? Stir-fry it? Bake it?…. Guess what? It’s your f***ing chicken! You can do whatever you want with it. It’s up to you.”

My affinity for creating weird metaphors is definitely hereditary.

(I think I should clarify that I actually have never heard my dad swear in my entire life, although seriously sometimes it’s needed for emphasis.)

ON FIGHTS

“Never get into a physical fight with anyone in their own home. They would know where the knives are.”

And now you know.

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If you plan on taking any of these tips from my dad, PLEASE let me know in the comments section so I can tell him and make him super happy.

24 Signs That Your Date Is Bad News, Based on True Events

One for each year that I’ve been alive! Honest to higher powers if they exist, I did not make up any of these. I experienced the majority of the incidents below, and added a few from my close friends. All happened for reals.

Please, think carefully and consider running for the hills if any of the following occurs. Don’t repeat a known mistake and waste any of your time. See below for why I have several contacts listed in my cell’s phone book as “First name DO NOT PICK UP.”

1. Avoiding or deflecting get-to-know-you questions. For instance-

Q: “How about you? Where did you grow up?”

A: “The South. I loved it. I hate living in California.”

Q: “Oh ok… why do you hate it?”

A: “Why do you care? It’s not important.”

2. Explaining that they’re “only looking for fun and friendship.” Yeah, you know what else starts with the letter F?

3. Letting you pick up a large check at a cash-only place since they didn’t have any bills, promises to pay you back later, and then never did when a miraculous modern invention called the ATM exists.

4. Telling you that he’s currently crashing at his friend’s place because his ex just broke up with him so he had to move out of their apartment.

5. Taking pictures of you without you knowing, only for you to see it on their friend’s phone later. It doesn’t even have to be a scandalous photo. It’s just creepy and they could have just asked.

6. Expressing the statement “I could be with any other girl right now, but I’m here with you instead” in a non-sweet but self-pitying way.

7. They have horrible nicknames for you. Such as “Kiddo” even though they’re only one year older than you. Also this way they don’t have to remember your real name.

8. When you realize that your date is trying to impress strangers harder than they’re trying to impress you. Imagine the following scenario- In the middle of their singing in front of an unfamiliar crowd at a karaoke bar, they take out a harmonica from their pocket for a obviously well-rehearsed solo. You compliment them when they get off the stage purely out of politeness, and they respond with “This place is way too busy. I wish I could do a few more songs. That guy before me was super good.”

9. Asking “Are you sure?” after they asked if they can come up to your apartment after walking you home, and you said no nicely already. You know, just to double-check in case you changed your mind in the last 15 seconds.

10. Forcing you to do anything physical is bad, but forcing you to slow dance with him in public on a street corner against your will is on a whole new level. I’m all for Hallmark/Broadway musical/Disney/romantic comedy moments in real life, but the key word here is CONSENT, y’all.

11. Stating something like “I am really mature for my age.” Some comparable lines would be: “I am really tolerant and open-minded considering my upbringing.” and “I am really funny.” Show it, then there won’t be a need to say it.

12. Being openly insensitive about your background or known insecurities. Such as making fun of the cab driver’s accent when they know that your parents are immigrants whose first language is not English.

13. Speaking for you. Like when the waiter comes by at the end of dinner and asks if you two would like to see the dessert menu, your date says no for both of you without consulting you.

14. Insisting that you’re “crazy” or really drunk, or anything else that you’re not when you have already told them that um you’re not. Sample conversation:

Date: “I like you- I can tell you’re crazy.”

Me: “Um…no, I’m actually not. To be honest, I think I’m overly logical and kind of a Type A control freak.”

Date: “A-ha! That’s how you’re crazy.”

15. Flip-flopping on an answer. For example,

Q: “So how do you know my coworker?”

A: “ Oh let’s not talk about him- he sucks.”

Q: “…Why are you friends with him then if you don’t like him?”

A: “Because he’s awesome!”

16. Comparing you with other women, right in front of you. Exhibit A-

Date: “This feels weird, doesn’t it? I guess your kissing style is just different from other girls I’ve been with before.”

17. Trying to have lengthy conversations with you via text messages, but never asking you to hang out in person.

18. Blaming you for a bad kiss. Sample line: “Your mouth is just kind of small, so I feel like I’m slobbering all over you a bit.”

19. Asking you important questions repeatedly that you already answered before recently. Chances are that he’s seeing so many other girls that he doesn’t remember you specifically, or he didn’t think your reply was important enough to be retained in his memory.

20. Telling you that they “like” you with something attached to the sentence.

(a) “I like you, but if I really like you, then I would actually date you.”

(b) “I like you enough.”

21. Suddenly hailing a cab unexpectedly and wants you to get in the car with them without ever discussing where you’re going first.

22. Preemptively excusing himself, like “I just have never been a good boyfriend.” or “I have always been emotionally detached since my bad childhood.” Saying that that’s just the way you are does not make for a get out of jail free card or a legitimate reason for bad behavior.

23. Responding to your confessional question of “So what are we doing? Are we just friends? Because I’m really attracted to you.” with “…I mean, if it makes you feel better, I am really attracted to you, too.

24. Walking away from you in the middle of the street, without any explanation or saying goodbye.

I totally understand that sometimes there’s just no chemistry between two people, and the date might be bad in the sense that it was boring. BUT there is a huge difference between that and someone just being insensitive, insulting, or condescending. And ain’t nobody got time for that.

Now go out there and date someone better!

Chin

Top Four Types of Sexual References in Hip Hop, Rap, and R&B

I’ve always found innuendos amusing and “That’s What She Said” jokes hilarious, and if they’re being sung, oh boy, prepare for some real giggle-fests. You might say that “hey, I thought you were a feminist who studied media culture- shouldn’t you be offended by them?” My response is that I am still allowed to possess the sense of humor of the average teenage boy, and I don’t find all such songs funny.

Below are the most common metaphors of and illusions to sex I’ve noticed reoccuring in various hip hop, rap, and R&B music. There are a lot of good ones in rock, too, but they’re mostly really angry songs, and that just doesn’t make me chuckle as much. All songs quoted and more are also in this Spotify playlist I created titled “Overtly Sexual Swag.” Definitely NSFW, but you’re welcome.

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